Growing up, my dad frequently told me, “You can be happy by yourself. If you choose the wrong person, your life can become very miserable very quickly.” While it is very good advice, I suspect my father had his own reasons for trying to delay my start into dating, primarily his strong distrust of teenage boys around his then teenage daughter. Regardless, he was right.
One of the few things that I’m positive that I did correctly in the later years of high school was focusing on myself and my friendships. Some of that was a conscious choice, and some of that was a result of switching high schools before my junior year. There is no quicker way to lose potential friends than to unknowingly flirt with someone’s boyfriend, ex, or crush. I was ahead of my time on that one; the movie, Mean Girls, didn’t come out until after I graduated high school.
I was a teenager with hormones, so I definitely had a crush on the senior guy who sat at the table next to me in Physics during my junior year. I couldn’t tell you his name at this point if my life depended on it, but I certainly didn’t hate the days where he somehow ended up chatting with me. I probably never knew more than five actual facts about my crush, so I had a crush on who I thought he could be rather than the person he actually was which has happened more in my life than I would have thought possible. I’m sure he was lovely, but with a boyfriend off the table, I had time for other things.
I had time to develop friendships. Most weekends in high school, I spent at least one if not both nights with friends. We did the very normal things teenagers who live in the suburbs do. Depending on whose house we were at, there was a pool table, foosball, table tennis, games, hot tub, or an actual pool. We watched movies, tried every dessert from the local diners, and found other silly things to do. These nights seem innocuous, but I learned a valuable lesson from them. I didn’t need a boy paying attention to me in order for me to be happy. I didn’t need to be in a relationship or even have a crush. More importantly, several of those friendships have remained intact and have supported me through some not so pleasant times. As recently as about six hours ago, I had a much needed phone call with a friend who is more like family and whose advice I'm far more willing to follow. I can't and won't put a price tag on that kind of friendship.
While I spent time with intelligent, funny, kind, genuine, and capable young women, I realized that I also had some of the the same qualities that I admired so much in them. I may never have the same level of KP’s adventurousness, MM's patience, BH’s thoughtfulness, or MS’s bravery, but I am definitely bringing something to the table or I wouldn’t continue to be invited to the table. Everyone thinks that common interests are the most important things to a friendship, but I don’t think that is true. Though I wouldn’t say that my interests overlap a lot with any of those four women, I do respect them and trust them wholeheartedly which seems far more important than who likes what music or plays what sport.
The real gift that these women gave me is that I never questioned my value as a person when a relationship ended. I never wondered if the relationship ended because I wasn’t smart enough or funny enough. I may have questioned if I was pretty enough, but that’s an entirely different issue for a different day. At times, I may have been incredibly sad to see the relationship end, but it never sent me on a spiral that ended in me feeling worthless. I don’t know that I can emphasize enough the freedom and the independence that comes with knowing that you have value independent of what other people think.
I recognize that most teenage television shows and movies put romantic relationship as the epitome of the high school experience, and I’ve watched that trend continue since I was in high school and watching Dawson’s Creek. For the record, upon rewatch, Joshua Jackson carried that show on his back for its run. I may be biased as my crush on Joshua Jackson is now at about 25 years give or take, but the writers just did not play to Michelle Williams and James Van Der Beek’s strengths. Also, I definitely did not realize how much of Jen’s storylines centered on the number of guys she had slept with as a teen. It didn’t age well. Anyway, the thing about those movies and television shows? They are fictional. In many cases, the actor/actress playing a teen is actually closer to 30 than the teenager being portrayed.
The actual first step to getting a relationship to work is being in a relationship with yourself for awhile. If need be, make a list of all of your good qualities and read it enough to internalize it. This step might sound silly in a blog post about relationships, but I have watched so many people enter into and stay in unhealthy relationships that lowered their sense of self-esteem. You’re not a used car. Your value shouldn’t be up for negotiation.
Learn to be kind to yourself. Take yourself on a date. Appreciate your own body, mind, and soul. And if you come out of a particularly brutal relationship of any sort and feel lost, it’s absolutely okay to take time finding who you are now.