I know that life isn’t a fairy tale. I learned this lesson when I was young, and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I continued to be reminded of this fact in the decades that followed. But as adults, we are fed a different story. This new narrative follows a preconceived notion of life paths to follow. It’s often a linear story—the most stereotypical is the “College - Job - Marriage - Children - Retirement - Grandkids” path. It’s reinforced in our culture with the barrage of questions you’re faced with when you reach a certain age or point in your life. “When are you getting married?” “When are you having children?” I’ve watched it continue in different manifestations in different generations. For example, once you appear to be of a certain age, the questions shift. “Do you have grandchildren?” Usually followed by a raised eyebrow if the answer is “no.”
I thought I knew better. I thought I was above that linear narrative. I knew there were different paths to take, and I didn’t expect my life to follow any one path. When dreaming about my future, I was comfortable if my story didn’t include a Prince Charming. I was OK if my castle was a modest apartment. I could see myself thriving in a variety of careers. My happiness didn’t involve keeping up with the Joneses.
When I got married, I knew we had a choice about what our story would look like. I wasn’t bound by the cultural traditions of the wife staying at home to tend to the house and children. My husband was supportive of me being the breadwinner. We spent a great deal of time talking through our family backgrounds and influences, finances, personal baggage, and how we would shape our future together. We talked about children—our desires to have them, how many we might have, how we might raise them. We dreamed about what our lives would look like with children—what we would do together as a family, experiences we would try to provide for them, lessons and values we wanted to pass on to them. On our honeymoon, we talked about returning to the same destination for our 5-year anniversary and wondered about who would watch our child(ren) so that we could get away. We revisited many of these conversations as our jobs and living situation changed. The one thing that didn’t change was that we wanted to be parents together.
But, I never imagined that I wouldn’t be able to have children. Having children was not a problem for my parents or my grandparents before them. I had absorbed the Marriage - Children narrative. And I never considered that it would look different because, in my mind, that was the path I was choosing for my life. But then I was reminded again that life isn’t a fairy tale and sometimes you aren’t given a choice. Life chooses for you. Maybe you don’t get into your first choice college or you aren’t offered that dream job. Or maybe you are diagnosed with a significant illness or are faced with job loss during an economic crisis. With its twists and turns and detours, life has a way of turning your expectations on its head. But while I was grieving for a story that isn’t mine, I forgot to live the story that was my own. I forgot to love those around me while yearning to love someone who didn’t exist. I forgot to live the adventures I could take while mourning the adventures that I couldn’t have. I forgot to take chances and write new pages in my story. I forgot to see the life that I did have and what it had to offer. There is nothing wrong with grieving the life you thought would be yours, but in the process, don’t forget to live the life you are given. I wasted many sorrowful years staring at the blank pages of chapters that weren’t meant to be in my story. I am proud to reclaim my pen and write again. Live again.
Submitted by Anonymous
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