Things I Wish I Had Known #18: Ownership is Important.

There are so many things about myself that I feel like I can't own. I can't own the fact that I'm aware that I'm smart, pretty, and funny because that makes me stuck up as a woman. While I'm not winning any of those three categories, objectively speaking, I realize I have good qualities as well as flaws. As a woman, I'm supposed to look the part of the a woman who got a "hot girl" makeover in a movie which basically amounts to taking the woman's hair out of a ponytail and switching to contacts, but I'm supposed to act like the lead part prior to the makeover and be entirely unaware of my appearance, even somewhat insecure about it. Likewise, I'm allowed to be smart as long as I can manage to be smart in a nonthreatening manner. It's exhausting to walk that tightrope that I'm essentially doomed to fall off multiple times.

For a long time, I attended a Catholic school, so I felt like I couldn't own any thoughts that didn't align with the Church. Likewise, I teach. Society holds teachers to higher standards than just about any other profession. I barely even feel like I can hold the belief that teachers deserve better pay because assuredly someone will call me out for not loving my students enough. I can and do love my students and still think I should be paid more for what I do and the amount of work and time it takes.

Some days, I don't even feel like I own my name. When I meet someone new, I mentally start the clock on how long it will take them to inquire about my marriage status and children. I've lost track of the amount of times when someone who I had just met was dumbfounded about why I kept my last name and wanted to reopen the topic for discussion. When I was younger, I would tolerate these conversations. I would explain that I liked the consonance of my name or having the same last name as my nephews. I always left out that I worked really hard for my degrees, jobs, and successes and wanted to keep my last name for those reasons. Again, since I'm a woman, that reason comes off as selfish though it's not selfish at all to take pride in achievements. At this point, James Marsden, Joshua Jackson, or John Krasinski could propose to me, the three founding members of my top five, and I still wouldn't change my last name because it's mine.

During this same time period, I found myself encouraging teenagers to have a voice. For the first long run of my teaching career, I taught at an all girl school, and I would tell them to stop apologizing for having opinions or taking up space. I still do that because if you pay attention, most younger women will apologize for even speaking. I generally prefer to lead by example, and I realized I didn't love the example I was setting in this one particular area of my life. I encouraged young women to chase dreams and be tidal waves while I sometimes gently splash about in a kiddie pool.

Over the course of the pandemic, I picked up many hobbies. I admittedly have anxiety, and if I don't have enough to keep me mentally busy, it's unpleasant for everyone. I kept writing, and I finally have my writing to a place I don't entirely hate. Anyone who writes will understand the sentiment of the previous sentence. I also got really good at making beaded jewelry because it requires a lot of precision and concentration. While no one would call me naturally artistic, I'm very capable of meticulous work, and I like wearing jewelry. I really love layering three or four bracelets because I know the combination is uniquely mine and my own style.

I created K.A. Coleman Creates, LLC, on Etsy. While it would definitely be smarter and cheaper for me to focus on just making the same two bracelets, I doubt I will ever make the exact same two bracelets. I want whatever I make to uniquely belong to someone else. Given that I do love teaching and writing, owning an Etsy store isn't about trying to make money quickly, so I don't put insane price tags on things so only some women can afford it and I can feel elite. I need to prove to myself that I can excel in a different area of my life; I also need to prove myself that it's never too late to start new adventures and projects.. I have things up on Etsy, but the reality is that most of my sales come from listening to what colors people like and where they intend to wear it. Before I even make the entirety of the bracelet, I send the color pattern back to the person I'm making it for to get feedback on colors and charms. To be honest, I like talking to people and hearing about who they are giving it to or why they are buying it for themselves. It feels very human after a very long period of time where it was difficult to connect with people outside of the few in your household or quarantine lifestyle.

For now, I'm just happy to own something that feels entirely mine, and I've at least moved out of the kiddie pool to a wave pool or a river. One day, I will make it to the ocean because I am nothing if not persistent.

I wish I had learned earlier to own my successes and strengths as much as I own my mistakes and failures. Since I have no difficulties owning the latter group, I wish I had given myself permission sooner to own the first group. It probably would have helped my self esteem.

I'm putting the Etsy link below, but I do like doing custom work. On the first day of school for the past several years, I have asked students to tell me a story about themselves because it helps me connect their name to their face quickly. It works for me. By the end of the first week, I always know all of the students' names and faces. If you ever want me to customize something for you, I would be delighted. Just tell me your story.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/KAColemanCreatesLLC