Things I Wish I Had Known #16: Breaking Through Imposter Syndrome

Breaking Through Imposter Syndrome

I recognize that what I’m about to say will sound illogical, but it’s true nonetheless. For a very long time in my life, I dealt with imposter syndrome. I went to Catholic school for 11 years, but I am a D+ Catholic at best. To clarify, I'm not attacking any religion or anyone's level of devotion to it. I’m just generally bad at listening to authority figures, and I’m not so interested in organized religion. You don’t say those things aloud when you go to a Catholic school though. I might be mediocre at religion, but I’m not dumb. I had legitimate nightmares about a bishop or whomever asking me a question at Confirmation because there was no shot in hell I would know the answer. Otherwise, I played the part. I narrated Living Stations. I sat with the Eucharist. I read during mass whenever someone asked me to though I was also very afraid of missing that cue because I didn’t attend mass on the weekend. When I got voted “Most Honest” in eighth grade, the irony wasn’t lost on me. In another example of how most of my teachers didn’t really know me, several of my teachers in those years said I seemed “unflappable and zen.” There is nothing zen about me. I had really bad anxiety as a child. Did I do my best to hide it? Yes. Am I an actor? Absolutely not. I think it was easier for them to see me as “fine, easygoing, and smart” than talk to me long enough to notice a problem. Quiet students who are also A students can easily be missed in the crowd. I don’t blame them. I know what their salary was now, and I know they had their own families. Likewise, in the years since, I've come to find a relationship with Catholicism that is comfortable and feels natural to me, but it took me decades to do that.

Problematically, I also felt like an imposter in my own extended family too. To put it kindly, the majority of my father’s side of the family has never really enjoyed my presence. On my mom’s side, noody dislikes me, but I was a girl in a predominantly male heavy family. Despite the fact that I pick up sports easily, years of attending my sibling’s games and practices left me pretty uninterested in dedicating more hours of my life to either chasing around any type of ball or watching someone else do it. In all of the scenarios, I didn't really speak much because when you feel like an imposter, you keep everyone at an arm's length because the fear of being caught is very real. For the first fourteen years of my life, I went along to get along or at least not make waves to the best of my ability.

During my early years of dating, I made the same mistakes that I think most young people make. I pretended to be interested in things I don't care about in the slightest. I put aside my own beliefs and passions for the ones that someone else wanted in a girlfriend. I dated guys I thought I should date. I didn't stand up for myself the way I should have or even the way I would have for a friend. I stayed in unhealthy relationships far longer than I should have because the thought of being alone terrified me. It didn't occur to me that I already was alone given that I pushed down a lot of my personality at times to make everyone else happy. To be honest, I didn't even realize that until long after those breakups.

Likewise, like anyone who starts a new job, I had an idea of what I should be doing the first few years. Did it always translate? Definitely not. Since then, I've had former students ask me what to do when they make a mistake at their first real job. Given that I made plenty of those, I do actually have a sincere answer for that. "Own it. Apologize for it. Move on from it." Most mistakes at entry level position don't do that much damage, but trying to hide it makes it so much worse. In general, it's better to have your boss think you're incompetent for an hour or two than dishonest for however long you work there. I made plenty of mistakes in my first two years teaching. It has been well over a decade, and I still make mistakes. I'm just more comfortable admitting that I'm wrong now. One of the biggest mistakes I made early in my career was forgetting to be a human before acting the part of a teacher. I deeply regret that mistake. Regardless,it took me several years to feel like a teacher rather than someone acting the part of the teacher.

Even now, if someone asks me if I'm a writer or author, I will say "no." I am a person who happens to like writing. I don't feel like I've done enough to earn those titles. Maybe one day. Maybe not.

Who am I then? I have a big heart. In general, I'm empathetic and kind. Fittingly as someone from Pittsburgh, I also have a backbone of steel. If someone hurts me or worse, someone I love, I have very few qualms about fighting back, and I'm a little stronger and more resilient than I look. I care that young women and people with mental health issues are heard because I didn't feel empowered in the slightest as a teenage girl or a young woman dealing with anxiety and depression. I deeply care that these things change in the future; I'm not someone who thinks people should toughen up because if I got through it, so can they. I don't want that for students or future generations. At this point, I can own my delightful qualities, my bad habits, and my not so fantastic moments. I own myself, and as someone who grew up feeling like an imposter, the feeling is very foreign but magical nonetheless.

I wish I had known to be my own North Star sooner.

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