I think the last time that I actually engaged in petty gossip was maybe around middle school, and even then, I found it tedious. I never enjoyed playing the telephone game just to tell someone I found them annoying or to find out someone found me annoying. First of all, I'm aware that I can be annoying. I likely even recognize it when I'm doing it. I just don't care. Also, I'm naturally confrontational. I started to notice the quality when I was in the fifth grade, but I tried to force it down for years for a multitude of reasons. I didn't like getting yelled at or in trouble as a kid, but I was also the smallest kid in my class at that time who had absolutely no interest in getting my butt kicked. In high school, some teenage boy in a moment of idiocy referred to me as "f***ing mute" because I didn't partake in a conversation where I really didn't have anything to say. I certainly had some stuff to say after hearing the comment he made behind my back. I don't remember how the comment he said behind my back got back to me, but the comment did because it always does. I was pissed. I asked two of his friends, who are and were perfectly good people, about what he said, and they really did their best to give vague answers. I was never mad at them for it. They were far closer to him than me, and I respect people who are loyal, even when it is to someone else. One class later in the day, I was still mad, so I went to find the teen boy who made the comment as we didn't have any classes together. I confronted him. He looked like a deer in headlights and couldn't say anything to my face. Instead, he threw one of his friends under the bus for something negative she said about a mutual friend who was also present at that moment. For someone who accused me of being a mute, he went awfully silent before shooting a friend in the foot to take attention off himself. Honestly, I still think the entire situation is funny. We were teenagers, and teenagers often do their best thinking after speaking. In fairness, it was incredibly silly drama, and none of my classmates were actually malicious. I don't have anything negative to say about any of them. The one silly comment though did mark a turning point for me in terms of biting my tongue. Ever since then, I have just owned my aggressive tendencies. If I was a guy, people would commend me for being upfront and assertive, but since society isn't going to tell me those are great qualities for a woman, I will just applaud myself for the traits because they are actually good traits to have.
To be honest, none of my closest friends like to gossip. I remove people from my life once I know they are talking poorly about me or someone else. I'm many things. Fortunately, dumb isn't one of them. If someone is saying mean things behind someone else's back, I'm aware they are also probably saying mean things about me behind my back. It's not really a quality I respect in people. It's also not how I want to spend my time. To some extent, there is truth to the saying, "you are the company you keep." I would much rather spend time with people who don't need to put other people down to feel better and are comfortable laughing at themselves.
With that said, I'm human. There are people I just don't like for whatever reason. To be honest, there are many people I just don't enjoy, Also, I'm very aware that I'm an acquired taste in terms of personality. Many people don't enjoy me. My face and eyes are incredibly emotive. Even if I don't say anything, you can pretty much read who I like and who I don't across my face. Given that I'm not a saint or even all that patient, I have definitely said things behind people's backs in the last 20 years. It would be fair to think I'm hypocritical, but most of the things I've said behind people's backs, I have also said to their face. I've also apologized if I crossed a line, even if it was inadvertently. Hurt feelings are hurt feelings no matter what the intent was on my behalf.
Ironically, for someone who actually talks very little crap behind people's backs, I often hear things I "said." I've never heard something I supposedly "said" and had the comment be true. Most of the time, I'm insulted that a person can't tell I didn't say it because I have a strong voice in both my writing and just life in general. If the comment isn't dripping in sarcasm, I didn't make the remark. Mainly, I don't have time to really dig deep into gossip. I have a full time job. I write every day. I'm married, and I have a healthy amount of friends. If I could convince my husband that being a full time dog mom was a thing, I would because I love that creature so much. and love spending time with him It can take me three weeks to respond to a text from someone I love, so my energy really isn't going into badmouthing other people. Finally, I will hold an airing of grievances with people who are above me at work, and I have always been like that in my career. If I'm willing to directly say things to people who sign my paychecks, I'm certainly willing to say things to everyone else. More recently, at a previous job, a guy I worked with accidentally sent me a text saying that I was "such a b***h." To which I responded, "you probably should double check who are you sending texts to if you're going to make those comments. " Awkward. I mean, it wasn't that awkward for me, but I'm pretty positive it was for him. He wanted to talk about his error via text; I said, "no, we'll be doing this in person." I pushed for that to be an in person conversation for a myriad of reasons. First, I was too old to tolerate a younger man calling me a "b***h" as a way of dealing with his own shortcomings. Second, we taught at an all girls' high school. If he was saying it about me, I thought he deserved a lesson in why it's entirely inappropriate, especially in that atmosphere. He looked miserable the whole time we spoke, but I felt just fine about it. Did I like him prior to that? No, not really. He was not very good at his job, and I found it annoying to have to teach him a book so he could teach it to his classes. At that point, just give me your classes and paycheck for the extra work I'm doing. Second, since I obviously don't expect extra pay, I do expect the other person to bring something to the table: a sense of humor, a strong sense of kindness, or a hell of a work ethic. Unfortunately, he was lacking across the board, and he still tried to make dumb excuses for sending a text to me about me. Just take ownership of the remarks.
I've watched a lot of people deny comments that they definitely made, and I find it all exhausting. I actually think lying is worse than gossipping, and I'm not enough of an idiot to buy into the selective amnesia of, "I never said that" or "I don't remember saying it." Without any ownership or accountability, the conflict never gets resolved which leads to a very strained relationship at best. Trust me. Even if I just go silent because something is too nuanced for me to remove the person from my life, I'm well aware that an apology never happened. Trust can take a lifetime to build but one second to break. Trust is always fragile and the most valuable gift someone can give you. I can forgive a, "hey, I screwed up and shouldn't have said anything." I can't or won't forgive a, "I didn't do that. I don't remember saying it." By not owning the behavior or attempting to justify it, the other person solidifies my belief that it can and probably will happen in the future with similar outcomes. I don't need nor want that in my life.
I've been thinking about this topic a lot recently. For as much as I say I'm not, I'm actually typically forgiving. I have a harder time forgetting, but in general, if someone issues an apology on their own, I just kind of think, "well, we all have days where we say or do things we shouldn't." The only people that I don't really forgive are the ones who don't apologize or downplay their role in everything. There is a difference between petty drama and actual conflicts. All of my disagreements in high school were petty. There weren't any actual stakes to the drama.
Most of the conflicts I have been in as an adult come with a steep price. I do not like paying the price for someone else's words when I'm typically careful in choosing my own. For someone who writes fiction, blogs, poetry, I am incredibly private about my life. I have never been someone who immediately meets a new person and declares them a best friend. I share only the tiniest pieces of my life until I feel like I can trust someone. It's part self preservation and part self awareness. I know I have a very sharp tongue which I inherited from my father. If left unfiltered and to my own devices, I would say the meanest thing I could think of if I allowed myself to do it. Unfortunately, I also inherited my father's ability to sniff out other people's insecurities. It's a deadly combination if left unchecked, and it's one I have had to work incredibly hard to get control over as I grew up, which is probably why I get so mad when people accuse me of stirring the proverbial pot.
This post comes down to one lesson. When someone shows you who they really are, just believe them. Don't make excuses for them or accept their justifications for their behavior. Take the note and move on as much as the situation allows you to do so. Be careful with your own words. Words may not break any bones, but they can stab right through a heart.
Also, I'm very committed to using Taylor Swift song lyrics for the title of blog entries.
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