Letter 8: The Full Picture

Dear ________________________,

I’ve spent most of my life covering for you. “X didn’t mean it that way.” “ “X will calm down in a few days.” "There is a lot going on right now." I’ve apologized to you when I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve gone out of my way to get your approval. I shouldn’t have done that. It allowed you to continue behaving poorly while I behaved like a show dog jumping through random hoops.

It took me a decade to realize I was fighting a battle I couldn’t win. It took me five more years to learn how to just tune out some of your more hurtful comments. We have an unhealthy relationship. I will never ask you why you feel the need to put me down. To be honest, I don’t think it actually has anything to do with me. If I step away from our relationship for long enough, I can see that it’s your own insecurities that cause you to behave this way. It doesn’t take the sting away in the moment though. I can’t just forget the amount of times you have commented on my appearance, acne, or weight gain. I didn't need you to tell me I was awful at ballet; the mirror already did that. Likewise, you’re the first and only person to ever call me selfish, weak, and stupid. To be fair, you’re likely the only person who I would allow to say those things to me. If you were anybody else, I would have walked away immediately,

In your mind, I owe you. I swear you must have a checklist somewhere to keep score. In my mind, my silence comes at a cost. Then again, we have very different definitions of love. Yours is based on a dollar amount. Mine is more of an emotional bank than a monetary one.

I don’t hate you in the slightest. Honestly, I couldn’t live with myself if I hated you, so maybe I am selfish. I still very much love you and always will. Just at a little bit of an emotional distance now. I’m grateful for every good memory we have, and there are many good memories. Likewise, I know you love me in the best way you know how.

I’m sorry I’m not the person you wanted me to be. Maybe we would get along better if I was capable of playing that part. Likewise, I’m sorry you can’t see that maybe the person I became is more than you had hoped for or wanted.

Regardless, I will continue to paint your portrait with the prettiest colors I have. Either way, we will be okay because we have to be.

Submitted by Charlotte Wood