“Jeff, listen up. This girl is going to tell you the secret, the secret to happiness!”
It is Saturday evening, and my roommates and I are on the way back to our flat after a long day at Stonehenge and Bath, with hour-long bus rides in between. We stumble onto the tube with our tired feet and heavy backpacks and somehow find five seats directly next to one another. I take the middle.
I’m texting off and on; it’s the middle of the afternoon back in America, and she’s helping host a huge event at school tonight. I wish I could be there. My texts stop delivering when we go underground, so I slide my phone into my backpack as the people seated across from us catch my attention. A woman in her thirties sits directly across from me in a pretty black dress, and she is quietly in deep conversation with her friend. Next to them, an older couple is laughing hysterically, and they appear to be relatively drunk; they’re dressed in nice clothes, clearly ready for a night out on the town. I smile subconsciously, pleased to see that they’re taking advantage of the evening and that, evidently, their relationship remains strong.
The older man in the couple suddenly catches me smiling and his face lights up even more. “We need your advice,” he exclaims to me, and instantly goes on to explain that his close friend, Jeff, is in love with a woman who doesn’t love him back. He is bursting to tell me about this lovesick man; his wife begins chiming in too, as they shout out questions. “What would you do? What should we tell him?! How can he win her over?”
I can’t help but laugh to myself, because I’m thinking in my head that this is my first authentic experience with a Londoner, and it’s happening on the tube of all places, where I’d been told repeatedly during orientations that the first and only rule is to keep quiet and interact with nobody. “Tell him never to lose hope!” I respond enthusiastically, and the woman in the black dress and her friend chime in too. “He should not give up! Be persistent! He can win her!”
The older man then calls Jeff over; it appears he had been sitting a couple seats down on the train. He is much younger than I originally anticipated. At first I think he’ll be embarrassed, but he is smiling good-naturedly. “I am in love with her,” he proclaims. “I love her, but she doesn’t feel the same.”
My heart aches for him. How cruel is it for both of us that he cannot have the one that he wants here in London, yet the one I want, and can finally call mine, is thousands of miles away?
In a small voice, the woman in the black dress mutters something under her breath: “I am in a similar situation.” I am taken aback; this woman is so sweet, she is young but not too young, and she is beautiful. Who has broken her heart?
Suddenly, the older man stands up and stumbles over to Jeff. “Take my seat!” He insists. “Sit next to this beautiful woman! We will set you up!”
We are all laughing; I am so shamelessly absorbed in their interactions that I feel as if I am living their lives as well. Jeff awkwardly takes the seat and puts his arm around her after much coaxing from his intoxicated friends. A big smile crosses the woman’s face and she leans into him. I think for a second: These two are complete strangers to one another, instantly connected in their shared pain and loneliness.
It is apparent that I am still engrossed in the scene at hand, and the older man and his wife comment on the stunned smile on my face. “We can tell that you are happy,” they repeat again and again. “You are so young and so happy! What is your secret?”
This is the first time I stumble over my words, because I’m not sure how to respond. I certainly didn’t expect to be faced with such a loaded question, but nothing about this tube ride so far has been expected.
Am I happy? My thoughts wander, but not too far, because the person that I left (hopefully) waiting for me at home is always at the forefront of my mind. Am I happy to be here, studying for three months in one of the most incredible cities in the world? Yes. Am I happy that I spent the last two months before I left falling in love for the first time in my life? Absolutely. Am I happy about the overlap of these two life-changing events? Not at all.
Our train arrived at our station before I could reveal the secret to happiness. My roommates all stood. I was the last to get off; I kept hesitating and shouting back the advice that I’ve given myself in the past few months so many times already: Don’t give up. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Never lose hope. In my last glance back before the doors shut, I saw Jeff whispering in the ear of the woman in the black dress.
*****
I wish I could say that Jeff’s story had a fairytale ending, but of course, I never encountered the lively group on the tube ever again. Yet, I’d love to grab a drink at a pub with the older couple and talk about what they think the secret to happiness is because I think I’d have a little bit more input to give now.
I’m still so young, but not as young as I was four years ago, and I am stronger because of the ways I’ve let myself feel. I understand more now; the end of a relationship might seem like the end of the world, until you meet a girl in a pretty black dress on the subway one evening and realize your heartache isn’t unique to you. The important people in your life will be there to pick you up in your lowest moments, whether it’s your best friend from third grade or your drunk older companion who shouts about your love life to the curious bystanders on a train because he just wants you to be happy. And, if you spend all your time looking down at your phone with your thoughts four thousand miles away, you might miss something, or someone, wonderful who is sitting right in front of you.
So I will never regret the falling in love. I’ll never regret the texting, or the intensity, or all the amazing moments, or the way that it changed my life. But, I can regret the ways I held myself back. Above all, I am still that curious girl on the train: laughing with total strangers, captivated by the complexities of their love lives, and excited at the possibilities that a little bit of fate can provide. I’m at my happiest when I let myself be that girl, and I will carry that knowledge with me now as I seek out my future.
Submitted by Anonymous
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