For context, I highly recommend reading the last three blog entries I wrote which painstakingly detail my worst dating mistake.
A few days after X broke up with his girlfriend and appeared at my parents' house, we went on our first real date. It consisted of dinner, an incline ride, and a sleepover at his apartment. I dropped my guard all of the way down for the first time since I was 18 with him. He had finally chosen me. Beyond his many assurances that he loved me, we had been friends for five years at this point. If something went wrong, I assumed he would protect my feelings as a friend because I earned it over the years. Was it the best date of my life? Not even close. Though I still oddly wanted his approval, I went into something with him after five years of dating other people. I was a bit of a serial dater in college, but those dates and relationships taught me what it was like to be treated well. Despite knowing better and realizing I had possibly outgrown him, I didn't want the months and years of agony he put me through to go to waste. I wanted to be able to say that the suffering was worth it. Even though our start wasn't stellar, I still wanted it to work. Everyone wants to find their person, and I wasn't exempt from that desire.
Within 48 hours of that date, things started to fall apart. Once again, he went from "I'm in love with you" to "I don't know what I want" at a breakneck pace. He gave me a slew of reasons for his hesitations. He worried my parents would bomb his apartment if we didn't get married. In reality, my parents and friends were far more likely to be pissed off if I did marry him. He didn't have a huge fan base with my family and friends ever really. He told me that the other woman involved finally caved and slept with him after years, and I didn't like the implication that I should immediately sleep with him to end this standoff. Regardless of my sexual history at 23, I didn't owe anyone anything I didn't want to do. Pushing me toward something only makes me dig my heels in more. According to him, I imploded his friend group while he found my friends too intimidating. Realistically, my friends are the full package. They are brilliant, beautiful, kind, and funny. They have done remarkable things personally and professionally. All of my friends from high school or undergrad are at the top of their fields. I really hated the comment about my friends because none of them are remotely pompous about what they have accomplished despite their earned right to be proud. Punishing my friends for his own insecurities felt far worse than punishing me for them. I paid heavy prices over the years for his insecurities, but I'm much more protective of the people I love than I am of myself. If you've been reading the comments along with the photos, you would know my friends and family mean more to me than anything. He hit a nerve with those comments. Likewise, X constantly wanted assurances that I would stay, but even when I gave them to him, he didn't believe me which was incredibly frustrating. He projected his inability to be honest onto me. I know that now. Ultimately, his insecurities paralyzed him.
Once again, I felt used by him. It felt like I was some trophy to him, and the only reason he wanted me was to prove that he could have me. Objectively speaking, I was and am out of X's league, but I didn't know that when you date down, the other person drags you down with them. This time, everything was worse because he was supposed to be my friend at the very least. This time, I couldn't claim to be naive because I had more than enough experience and information to know better. I hated myself for allowing someone to make me feel so small and so inadequate. I hated myself for being so stupid. Obviously, I had insecurities growing up, but I never knew what it felt like to hate the person staring back at me in the mirror. It broke me. I taught at an all girls' high school at the time, and I hated how hypocritical I felt as I encouraged my students to be strong women while I felt very weak.
He remained stuck between us, and I felt myself wither on the inside. I didn't understand how he could have feelings for two women who were the antithesis of each other in both appearance and personality. Eventually, I reached out to one of his best friends to ask for help. At that point, I had been friends with his best friend from home independently for years. Even when I went on strike from X, his best friend remained in my life. The guy knew both X and me well, so it made sense to me to ask him for advice. To his best friend's credit, his best friend told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. He asked the right questions. He reminded me that X had always been indecisive, insecure, and risk averse. In general, I don't do super well with people who have that combination of qualities. I don't think anyone who knows me well would say I'm particularly nurturing when it comes to other adults. Kids and teens? Sure. Adults? Not so much. X fished for more compliments than all of my friends combined. He needed reassurances about his weight, hair, and acne. There is nothing attractive about begging for compliments. Beyond my questionable ability to tolerate his endless insecurities, his best friend asked if I really wanted to stay in this situation for the rest of my life because he saw that as a real possibility if I left X in charge of the situation. I love jumping into things without looking and assuming that I will figure it out. It works for me pretty well. X likes guarantees. I was the bigger risk for many reasons. The other woman continuously took him back no matter how many times he dumped her or was terrible to her. I didn't speak to him for seven months when I caught him in one lie. When someone tries to control me, I become downright obstinate. Of the three of us, I was the only one who dated other people. His best friend knew X worried I would eventually get bored or find someone better, and X would be left without a safety net if he completely cut ties with the other woman involved. X got that part right. He knew I could do better than him. His best friend knew I could do better. Deep down, I also knew it, but it didn't make ending my fantasy about who I wanted him to be any easier.
Eventually, after months of stress, mind games, and indecisiveness, I made the choice to walk away from all of it. At one point during the affair, he told me the story of some guy he worked with who wondered if he married the wrong woman. Since the choice was left to me, I decided I would much rather be the one who got away than the underappreciated wife. Despite closing and locking the door, I didn't get out unscathed that time. I got physically ill from all of it. I lost weight. I felt guilty, dirty, and just unworthy. I internalized his words despite knowing better, and I despised myself for it. He left me battered and bruised without a second thought. I couldn't understand how anyone, including X, could do that to someone. I really couldn't understand how I allowed myself to be put in that situation because I'm "a smart girl." When my birthday rolled around, he had the gall to send me a "happy birthday" text. I think that text started to shift my feelings of hurt to feelings of anger. I apologize to someone if I don't hold the door open because I didn't see the person, and he couldn't get out an I'm sorry that I'm an insecure waste of space who purposefully hurt multiple people's feelings." Even though the sadness morphed to anger, it took me a very long time to rebuild my confidence and self-worth. It took me even longer to be able to trust people again. As an adult, I've come to appreciate that time is my most valuable possession, and I won't ever forgive him for the amount of time he took from me. My dad died young, and I would do anything to get any amount of extra time with my dad back. People will tell you that the only path to happiness is to forgive and forget. They are mistaken, and my guess is that the people who embrace that saying are the same ones who benefit the most from exploiting other people's forgiveness. As it turns out, I'm quite capable of experiencing joy and happiness while simultaneously being disgusted by X and all he took from me over the years.
Of the things I'm truly sorry for, there is one lingering regret. I didn't send the other girl involved with X all of the text messages and emails. In my haste to save myself, I forgot to throw out a life ring to her. At the time, X told me she had an abusive father which I doubt she wanted shared with me. They talked about it while he was cheating on her with me, and when she told him, he made some remark about everyone having a burden to carry. He equated her having an abusive father to him being stuck between two women. He sincerely lived a very privileged life. Years later, I realized one final difference between the other woman and me; I had a very loving and doting father who would hurt himself before doing anything to hurt me. She didn't have that luxury. She had just got out of one abusive household only to enter a different one. For that, I am incredibly sorry. I should have given her everything so she could make an educated decision about marrying him because I'm certain she didn't get anything resembling the truth from X. It has been well over a decade since everything happened, and I still feel bad for taking a choice away from her. She doesn't know who she married, and I played a role in keeping that information from her to protect my own ego. I will have to live with that choice.
Why am I finally telling this story years after it happened? To be honest, I have a lot of reasons why now is necessary. First, I grew up in a predominantly male family which I liked because it taught me how to take a joke. With that said, I married into a female heavy family, and in watching my flower girls grow up, I have realized that I don't want them to make my mistakes. If a guy treated one of them the way X treated me, I'd be out for blood, and I'm not being hyperbolic. Second, I know his side of the story has been front and center for years, and I'm not interested in supporting that narrative with silence anymore. My silence benefits him, and it always has. Third, I truly did not recognize that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until years after that chapter ended. I took self defense classes. I memorized the number for my university's car service if I needed a ride at night time or after drinking. I took every precaution I could to protect my physical safety. It never occurred to me to think about protecting my emotional stability. I've heard people, both men and women, make comments like, "it's not he sexually assaulted her," regarding similar situations. If that is the bar for how to treat people, it's truly tragic. I'm not the only person alive who has spent time in a toxic relationship; my experience is symptomatic of an epidemic. Finally, I took a page out of the Taylor Swift playbook on how to get a message across loud and clear. He has tried to contact me several times in the many years since everything happened. He has accidentally liked and unliked photos of me. At one point, he tried to follow my husband on Twitter. I want to be fairly public and transparent that I don't want him or his messiness in my life. I'm no longer an 18 year old young woman who is afraid of pissing off someone. I'm now a 37 year old woman who isn't interested in coddling bad people. In the years since this happened, I've only contacted him once to finally say the things that I should have said so many years ago. It wasn't a very pleasant email that I sent. Then, I blocked him across every entry point in my life. I did not just close and lock the door on him; this time, I added a deadbolt and put in an alarm system regarding my space..
Let me be clear. I knew telling this story would come with a price. I knew I would be judged. I knew strangers would feel emboldened to comment anonymously. I even suspected that I would get odd messages from men who wanted my attention. Honestly, I underestimated that last part by quite a bit. I've lost count of the number of men I have blocked for sending unsolicited sexual comments. I didn't ask for those messages any more than I asked X to treat me poorly. The messages are gross and irritating, but I'm willing to pay that price of hitting one simple block button in exchange for opening up discussions on emotionally abusive relationships.
"I saw one thing [he] couldn't take away...."
Me. He couldn't totally erase me. Growing up, I cried easily. I thought my crying made me weak. It didn't though because I never quit even if I sobbed while doing something.
I don't think either of us ever understood that part of my personality at the time. Yes, I felt stripped of my confidence and worth after everything he did, and it did cause me to retreat into myself and push away family and friends. I don't particularly love that part of the journey either as I know I hurt people who love me, and I very much had an apology tour to complete when I came out the other side. With that said, even when it felt like I had everything else taken from me, I still had the tiniest spark of me. Eventually, I realized I had always been enough.
If you're reading this post and something resonates with you, get out of that relationship. There is no happily ever after to be had here. He is miserable because that is just his personality. By marrying him, his wife committed herself to a life with a liar. She deserves better than his behavior. As for me, I wasted so much time and so many emotions on him. Give yourself your best shot at happiness, even if it means making a hard or scary decision in the short term.
"You've got no reason to be afraid.... You're on your own, kid. You can face [it]."
As for the photo, it was taken after everything happened and I was once again out with friends. If you're going to give me a newspaper type table cloth and pens, I'm not above drawing dumb stuff or names in bubble letter. To be honest, I still like to draw bubble letters.