Recently, I have been trying to figure out who I am outside of the roles I occupy for other people. I have this weird fear that I will disappear if I only define myself through roles I was born into or job titles because most titles can be temporary. It is possible that this fear has emerged after reading three stories where characters’ careers defined their personalities and caused their ultimate demise or it could be that I feel like I’m standing on a landslide. Either way, I need my life to be more than just a career or a foundation of what other people think of me. There is more to me. There has to be more to me.
Thus far, here is what I have learned about myself. I try to make everything I do fun or funny, and if that isn’t happening, I tend to make an Irish Goodbye. I guess I inherited something other than pale skin from my ancestors. I’m aware life is short, and to be honest, while sadness is inevitable, I don’t need to RSVP yes to every pity party I’m invited to attend, including ones thrown by myself for myself. I try to laugh every day even when I really don’t feel like doing it, and there is no rule that states you can’t laugh and cry on the same day.
I’m a dreamer who gets things done. I have more or less hit all of the goals I made for myself as a teenager and even in my 20s. It’s very tempting for me to make another list of goals, and I do have a lot of things that I want to do. Mainly, I just want to be happy and healthy. I’m excited for anything that I accomplish in the future, but to be honest, at this point, the goals are secondary to the journey for me. I have proven to myself what I needed to prove. If it’s not enough for someone else, I really don’t care, which is actually pretty freeing.
I used to joke about watching horror movies so that I could survive to the end to be the final girl, but somewhere along the way, I became a final girl. Every time life took a shot at me, I stood back up again, and I kept standing up until I realized there is nothing physically or mentally weak about me. In Gaelic, my first name translates to “warrior,” and I have earned that damn first name. I’m not a final girl due to some silly horror movie rules. I’m a final girl because I’m willing to stand back up every time the proverbial monster comes back to life. Maybe more importantly, I’m willing to stand up for every young woman who has been made to feel less than, everyone struggling with a mental illness, and a lot of kids who just need an adult to believe in them. I used to think I had a divisive personality. Based on the length of most of my friendships and the amount of teenagers I have taught over the past years, I don’t think that’s the case anymore. Maybe I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe I’m the thing monsters fear. Maybe all of the tears I have shed are just equal to the times I forced myself to stand up again. Regardless, I am a survivor. Who knew?
I started this blog because I wanted to help people who felt isolated during the pandemic. I don’t know if it did that, but it has helped me. I find writing to be cathartic.
Next week, I’m changing the name and layout of the blog to “Polka Dots and Wandering Thoughts.” If you know me, you know of my love of polka dots so that section will be dedicated to all things that make me happy. As for “Wandering Thoughts,” I have consistently and definitively learned every lesson the hard way. There probably could have been a neon sign pointing me to the easy route, and I still would have walked down the terrifying one with no end in sight. I don’t take directions well. My abundance of poor choices are worth it if it keeps someone else from falling down those same traps. I have also learned a lot about self-esteem, relationships, and the pains of adulthood in the process.
If this post feels like an ending, it’s not. Endings and beginnings actually look pretty similar, and my story isn’t over yet.
And this time? I didn't wait for the ground under my feet to crumble. I jumped. I don't know entirely where I will land, but I know that I made the choice rather than waiting for life to make one for me.