Why Do I Protect Toxic People?
If I'm being really honest, I have had some people in my life who were really terrible to me. Truly, I have a whole side of a family tree that I haven't wanted to be a part of for well over 15 years. I don't talk about the "friends" who fired shots at me. And I really don't talk about the fact that I had some very emotionally manipulative or emotionally abusive exes. In essence, I'm sitting on a powder keg of secrets for a group of people who are the worst, so why am I protecting them? Perception. I think I hide those things because I don't want to be perceived as a victim ever really. I want to be known for my ferocity as a human, but especially as a woman living in a man's world. I want to be known for being the best aunt to my nephews. I want to be known for the amount of young people I have helped over the years. I want to be known for my sense of humor and intelligence. I want to be known for putting into words how many other people feel but can't necessarily express. I want to be known for my loyalty to the people I love in this world. I want to be known for my feistiness even when it doesn't benefit me, especially when it doesn't benefit me. I want to be known for being an unstoppable force because I am one. I'm all of those things without question. Deep down, there is a part of me that doesn't want to admit that I've stayed in bad situations longer than I should have because it cracks my curated facade. More recently, I've started to realize my own behavior is problematic because by not acknowledging those parts of my life, I'm doing a disservice to everyone who is stuck in a toxic relationship right now. How can I tell someone else to run if I'm pretending that I didn't make the same mistake? Ironically, it was Jake Gyllenhaal's response to Taylor Swift rereleasing Red that got me to this moment. He made some asinine remark about the comments directed at him after the ten minute version of All Too Well was released. My immediate thought was, "You dated a girl who was a decade younger than you who is a songwriter, and you treated her poorly. What did you expect?" Every person who has jokingly asked if they would end up in one of my books has been terrible to me. Every single one. It makes me suspect that those people know they're toxic or were toxic to me. I don't have one solid family member or friend who has asked me that question because the many good people in my life aren't afraid of the answer. I think it's time to start telling the less pleasant stories, and I do remember them all too well.